Now I'm not one to complain but...

I'm so bored at work I've reached this new plateau where I'm just staring off into space and laughing at nothing in particular. The first day I was sitting upright in my chair looking alert and perky. Now I'm schlumped back in my chair surfing the internet shamelessly and I can barely bring myself to sit up when the CEO walks by. I'm keeping a tally and I've taken 12 calls today. I've been here 7 HOURS!!! I've been making personal budget spreadsheets for fun. I know exactly how many months it will take me to pay off my student loans and how old both B and I will be at that time. Now I've run out of tasks. So I'm just sitting here laughing at nothing in particular, perhaps losing my mind a little bit. But still this is so much better than the last place.

Oh my goodness, I just dropped a skittle down my shirt. I'm not kidding. Got to go.

That extra X Chromosome will cost you.

It's hard to feel like there's not a conspiracy here. How is it that in 2005 it's still true that a woman's work is systematically valued less than that of a man? What can we do to change this? And why aren't more of us outraged by this?

Ladies, do yall hear me? What are we going to do about this?

So this is what I've come up with.

1. I've read a number of online articles this afternoon that describe the work of a lawyer in terms of service to other humans. Basically if I become a lawyer, I learn how to navigate through the legal system on behalf of others. When you say it like that the idea becomes very appealing to me.

2. With all that debt, I might not be able to do public service law right away. But I have to believe there is some sort of relatively well-paying law I could practice that doesn't offend my soul. For example, family law. My whole inspiration to go to law school after all was the woman who helped me get the protective order against Creepy Stalker Ex.

3. If my need to do good requires I do more than what I can do for pay, there is always pro-bono work. I will have to make a promise to myself that I will make time for that.

4. My first choice school is in the top 20 in the nation while also being the cheapest of my options so it's really a no-brainer. I would have to move away from my Joel which makes me sad. But we discussed over lunch that a long distance relationship isn't exactly the most horrible thing that could happen especially considering how busy I'll be during law school. Weekends might be all I have to give during law school anyway, and if that's the case, it would be in everyone's best interest for him to continue his life up here instead of uprooting it to come and be neglected by me.

5. I want to be a professional. I want greater earning power. I want to be able to take credit for the work I do. After years of being an admin, these things have become more important to me.

6. I think me going to law school will be good for Brandon. First of all during school I won't be chained to a desk so I will be freer to work my schedule around his awake time. Second, after school I will be in a better position to provide for him financially. And third, there's the whole me being a professional thing which I think will be better for my psyche. And if mama's happy, everyone's happy.

So I think the whole dilemma is now concluded. I'm going to law school. Problem solved. Now we're all free to carry on with other activities.

One Million Dollars

Imagine Dr. Evil looking at you saying over and over again "One Million Dollars" and that's about what's going on in my head every time I think about my law school plans lately. To be fair I'm only talking about $80,000- $100,000 worth of debt after law school but to me what's the difference? True to my other unAmerican leadings, I hate debt. Hate, hate, hate it. Debt are the cement shoes in the lake of self-actualizaton as far as I'm concerned. (Hmm. Does that metaphor work?) The more you owe, the more you have to make. The more you have to make, the more likely you're working for Genghis Khan Inc. or some other entity that enjoys raping, pillaging and what not. And I don't know -call me crazy- but I'd prefer not to be party to that sort of burn-the-land-and-kill-some-women-and-children-while-you're-at-it morality. (Extreme much today, Mamalissa?) Because, for me, things are pretty much that cut and dried. I can be part of the problem or part of the solution but not both. Well, ok I can be both but I'd rather lean more towards the solution angle. And I simply don't know how I can do that with that massive of a debt hanging around my neck. It's hard for me to breathe now with the 20 something thousand dollars of debt I already have on my back. So what's a commie like me to do?

Well that's a good question. Let me sip my Starbuck's and think about it.

I used to like Wendy's Chili.

Many many moons ago, I used to like Wendy's Chili. That is until I read a news story about someone just like me ordering up a big batch of the yummy goodness only to bite into what turned out to be a mouse head. Then today I saw this story. http://www.nbc5i.com/news/4313153/detail.html?treets=dfw&tid=2653177321813&tml=dfw_4pm&tmi=dfw_4pm_1_04000203242005&ts=H

Now I'm not telling you what to do. I'm going to let both of these stories speak for themselves.

Today I feel like being negative.

This is not the final outcome. But today I feel negative about a lot of things. More than likely I'll be moving in a few months. That was part of the deal when me and my Joel started this thing. But of course I like him too much now. Now that I know how difficult it can be to find someone you like this much who also likes you it makes it hard for me to think about leaving him now. But it's really the only sane thing to do for financial reasons, long term career reasons, duties as a mother reasons. But still part of me wants to do whatever I can to make the thing work.

But then I feel all this pressure, self-imposed to be sure, to be harder to get. I shouldn't have my mind so made up already. Silly, silly girl. I'm upset with myself for falling in love too quickly. So I'm making a conscious decision to pull back. It's also the only sane thing to do. It's a strategy issue. I need to protect myself. And the only way to progress with the relationship is if I let him be the one leading it. I know all this.

But still my little heart kind of hurts today.

And so it is

So here I am at my little temp job where I get to take am, pm and lunch breaks. Where I don't do much and that's okay with everyone. And where I email my Joelly all day and he makes me laugh. And so here I am eating lunch at a Thai restaurant when I get a fortune cookie that says "You would make a good lawyer." It occurs to me that perhaps I've been making good decisions lately because things are happening so easily. My Joelly says that my female brain is set on "fret" most of the time and perhaps that explains some of my taken-aback-edness by the current state of events. I really have nothing to fret over. Everything is working out and will continue to work out. I worry a bit about coming up with funding for school but ultimately I know that will work out. I worry a bit about not spending more time with Brandon but I know that will change when I'm in school and not working anymore, or at least working less. I worry a bit about the school work load but I know that's just silly because there's nothing academia can throw at me that I can't handle. And I don't worry about my Joelly at all because I know he's here to stay. And there's a beautiful simpleness to that knowledge that really calms me. And so it is. Kind of wonderfully wonderful. Can you believe it?

Thanks for calling Wherever It is I'm Working Today

I'm getting work through a temp agency now and I'm a receptionist today. I can't believe they pay someone to just answer the phones and sort the mail here. And that breaks are allowed and even encouraged. And that people around here are apparently allowed to take time off when they're sick. And that they have meetings where they define staff task lists then spend time in another meeting coming up with procedures that will be written down and later referred to. I'm a bit like a badly battered dog right now.

Anyway, so I'm a receptionist today and I'm pretty much bored out of my mind. There's that. So I've decided to write for a moment about my Joelly. He calls me Applesauce. We spent like 68 straight hours together this weekend and as we parted he said he would miss me. He makes me laugh so hard I snarf then he makes fun of me for snarfing and I laugh even harder. (Which is remarkably the same scenario that plays out between me and B on a regular basis, except with him being the snarfer and me the one taunting him for it.) He gets grumpy, like an old man sometimes and I think that's cute. He knows things about me before I know them. The other day he predicted that I would not have ice at my house which prompted my own realization that my ice trays are all inexplicably missing and I think have been so since I moved three months ago. Because somehow he knows that his applesauce is the type to lose ice trays and never even notice it. He took me with him to have coffee with his parents Sunday and has invited B and me to dinner with them Wednesday. He doesn't smoke pot or drink excessively and still he doesn't bore me. He likes comic books which is so nerdy it's endearing. And he looks at me like I'm the cutest thing on the planet. Which only goes to prove how smart he is because I am the cutest thing on the planet after all.

I am alarmingly happy.

When enough is enough

When enough is enough, enough is enough. Ya know? Which means I put in my two week's notice Monday. I'm going to temp until I can pick up a full-time job. Or just work a couple of part-time jobs until school starts. Because what's the point in being miserable? Really. What' s the point?

So I think I'm a shoe in for a daycare job that could possibly transfer to wherever I decide to ultimately go to school. And I'm applying at a bakery. I want to bake bread. Call it a crazy dream but I really want to work with dough and smell freshly baked bread on a regular basis.

And so Mamalissa's life becomes a lot more relaxing and ideal. That is if it doesn't spiral into financial ruin. Barring that, things are on the upswing.

And me and my Joel are a for real, full fledged item now. He is the best and greatest.

That's all for now.