Mama-lissa's word of the day

Now I'm not one to complain but...

2005-03-31T14:16:00.000-08:00

I'm so bored at work I've reached this new plateau where I'm just staring off into space and laughing at nothing in particular. The first day I was sitting upright in my chair looking alert and perky. Now I'm schlumped back in my chair surfing the internet shamelessly and I can barely bring myself to sit up when the CEO walks by. I'm keeping a tally and I've taken 12 calls today. I've been here 7 HOURS!!! I've been making personal budget spreadsheets for fun. I know exactly how many months it will take me to pay off my student loans and how old both B and I will be at that time. Now I've run out of tasks. So I'm just sitting here laughing at nothing in particular, perhaps losing my mind a little bit. But still this is so much better than the last place.

Oh my goodness, I just dropped a skittle down my shirt. I'm not kidding. Got to go.

That extra X Chromosome will cost you.

2005-03-30T10:57:00.000-08:00

It's hard to feel like there's not a conspiracy here. How is it that in 2005 it's still true that a woman's work is systematically valued less than that of a man? What can we do to change this? And why aren't more of us outraged by this?

Ladies, do yall hear me? What are we going to do about this?

So this is what I've come up with.

2005-03-25T12:27:00.000-08:00

1. I've read a number of online articles this afternoon that describe the work of a lawyer in terms of service to other humans. Basically if I become a lawyer, I learn how to navigate through the legal system on behalf of others. When you say it like that the idea becomes very appealing to me.

2. With all that debt, I might not be able to do public service law right away. But I have to believe there is some sort of relatively well-paying law I could practice that doesn't offend my soul. For example, family law. My whole inspiration to go to law school after all was the woman who helped me get the protective order against Creepy Stalker Ex.

3. If my need to do good requires I do more than what I can do for pay, there is always pro-bono work. I will have to make a promise to myself that I will make time for that.

4. My first choice school is in the top 20 in the nation while also being the cheapest of my options so it's really a no-brainer. I would have to move away from my Joel which makes me sad. But we discussed over lunch that a long distance relationship isn't exactly the most horrible thing that could happen especially considering how busy I'll be during law school. Weekends might be all I have to give during law school anyway, and if that's the case, it would be in everyone's best interest for him to continue his life up here instead of uprooting it to come and be neglected by me.

5. I want to be a professional. I want greater earning power. I want to be able to take credit for the work I do. After years of being an admin, these things have become more important to me.

6. I think me going to law school will be good for Brandon. First of all during school I won't be chained to a desk so I will be freer to work my schedule around his awake time. Second, after school I will be in a better position to provide for him financially. And third, there's the whole me being a professional thing which I think will be better for my psyche. And if mama's happy, everyone's happy.

So I think the whole dilemma is now concluded. I'm going to law school. Problem solved. Now we're all free to carry on with other activities.

One Million Dollars

2005-03-25T09:14:00.000-08:00

Imagine Dr. Evil looking at you saying over and over again "One Million Dollars" and that's about what's going on in my head every time I think about my law school plans lately. To be fair I'm only talking about $80,000- $100,000 worth of debt after law school but to me what's the difference? True to my other unAmerican leadings, I hate debt. Hate, hate, hate it. Debt are the cement shoes in the lake of self-actualizaton as far as I'm concerned. (Hmm. Does that metaphor work?) The more you owe, the more you have to make. The more you have to make, the more likely you're working for Genghis Khan Inc. or some other entity that enjoys raping, pillaging and what not. And I don't know -call me crazy- but I'd prefer not to be party to that sort of burn-the-land-and-kill-some-women-and-children-while-you're-at-it morality. (Extreme much today, Mamalissa?) Because, for me, things are pretty much that cut and dried. I can be part of the problem or part of the solution but not both. Well, ok I can be both but I'd rather lean more towards the solution angle. And I simply don't know how I can do that with that massive of a debt hanging around my neck. It's hard for me to breathe now with the 20 something thousand dollars of debt I already have on my back. So what's a commie like me to do?

Well that's a good question. Let me sip my Starbuck's and think about it.

I used to like Wendy's Chili.

2005-03-24T14:14:00.000-08:00

Many many moons ago, I used to like Wendy's Chili. That is until I read a news story about someone just like me ordering up a big batch of the yummy goodness only to bite into what turned out to be a mouse head. Then today I saw this story. http://www.nbc5i.com/news/4313153/detail.html?treets=dfw&tid=2653177321813&tml=dfw_4pm&tmi=dfw_4pm_1_04000203242005&ts=H

Now I'm not telling you what to do. I'm going to let both of these stories speak for themselves.

Today I feel like being negative.

2005-03-24T11:04:00.000-08:00

This is not the final outcome. But today I feel negative about a lot of things. More than likely I'll be moving in a few months. That was part of the deal when me and my Joel started this thing. But of course I like him too much now. Now that I know how difficult it can be to find someone you like this much who also likes you it makes it hard for me to think about leaving him now. But it's really the only sane thing to do for financial reasons, long term career reasons, duties as a mother reasons. But still part of me wants to do whatever I can to make the thing work.

But then I feel all this pressure, self-imposed to be sure, to be harder to get. I shouldn't have my mind so made up already. Silly, silly girl. I'm upset with myself for falling in love too quickly. So I'm making a conscious decision to pull back. It's also the only sane thing to do. It's a strategy issue. I need to protect myself. And the only way to progress with the relationship is if I let him be the one leading it. I know all this.

But still my little heart kind of hurts today.

And so it is

2005-03-22T15:48:00.000-08:00

So here I am at my little temp job where I get to take am, pm and lunch breaks. Where I don't do much and that's okay with everyone. And where I email my Joelly all day and he makes me laugh. And so here I am eating lunch at a Thai restaurant when I get a fortune cookie that says "You would make a good lawyer." It occurs to me that perhaps I've been making good decisions lately because things are happening so easily. My Joelly says that my female brain is set on "fret" most of the time and perhaps that explains some of my taken-aback-edness by the current state of events. I really have nothing to fret over. Everything is working out and will continue to work out. I worry a bit about coming up with funding for school but ultimately I know that will work out. I worry a bit about not spending more time with Brandon but I know that will change when I'm in school and not working anymore, or at least working less. I worry a bit about the school work load but I know that's just silly because there's nothing academia can throw at me that I can't handle. And I don't worry about my Joelly at all because I know he's here to stay. And there's a beautiful simpleness to that knowledge that really calms me. And so it is. Kind of wonderfully wonderful. Can you believe it?

Thanks for calling Wherever It is I'm Working Today

2005-03-21T15:07:00.000-08:00

I'm getting work through a temp agency now and I'm a receptionist today. I can't believe they pay someone to just answer the phones and sort the mail here. And that breaks are allowed and even encouraged. And that people around here are apparently allowed to take time off when they're sick. And that they have meetings where they define staff task lists then spend time in another meeting coming up with procedures that will be written down and later referred to. I'm a bit like a badly battered dog right now.

Anyway, so I'm a receptionist today and I'm pretty much bored out of my mind. There's that. So I've decided to write for a moment about my Joelly. He calls me Applesauce. We spent like 68 straight hours together this weekend and as we parted he said he would miss me. He makes me laugh so hard I snarf then he makes fun of me for snarfing and I laugh even harder. (Which is remarkably the same scenario that plays out between me and B on a regular basis, except with him being the snarfer and me the one taunting him for it.) He gets grumpy, like an old man sometimes and I think that's cute. He knows things about me before I know them. The other day he predicted that I would not have ice at my house which prompted my own realization that my ice trays are all inexplicably missing and I think have been so since I moved three months ago. Because somehow he knows that his applesauce is the type to lose ice trays and never even notice it. He took me with him to have coffee with his parents Sunday and has invited B and me to dinner with them Wednesday. He doesn't smoke pot or drink excessively and still he doesn't bore me. He likes comic books which is so nerdy it's endearing. And he looks at me like I'm the cutest thing on the planet. Which only goes to prove how smart he is because I am the cutest thing on the planet after all.

I am alarmingly happy.

When enough is enough

2005-03-10T14:46:00.000-08:00

When enough is enough, enough is enough. Ya know? Which means I put in my two week's notice Monday. I'm going to temp until I can pick up a full-time job. Or just work a couple of part-time jobs until school starts. Because what's the point in being miserable? Really. What' s the point?

So I think I'm a shoe in for a daycare job that could possibly transfer to wherever I decide to ultimately go to school. And I'm applying at a bakery. I want to bake bread. Call it a crazy dream but I really want to work with dough and smell freshly baked bread on a regular basis.

And so Mamalissa's life becomes a lot more relaxing and ideal. That is if it doesn't spiral into financial ruin. Barring that, things are on the upswing.

And me and my Joel are a for real, full fledged item now. He is the best and greatest.

That's all for now.

There's a right way and a wrong way....

2005-03-03T09:54:00.000-08:00

to treat people. Just on the level of basic human dignity. And the company I work for...I don't even know what to say. But to do the jobs we're asked to do, we have to put up with some crazy shit. We have to come in early, stay late, work through lunch, come in weekends. Take it home with us. Lose sleep over it. And the thing is we've all done it and because we've done it this place has prospered. But through it all those of us who have given out of a sense of pride in our work and out of loyalty to our place of employment (not for the money, I assure you that) get blamed for everything that goes wrong. And 95 percent of the things that go wrong, we have absolutely no power to fix. The implied message is that if there's a problem it must be that admin is fucking up. So how do you come in early, stay late, work through lunch, come in weekends when you know they think you're an idiot and not worth anything? Replaceable they tell you. It's not right. It's just not right.

5 months, 2 weeks

2005-02-28T06:50:00.000-08:00

That's the absolute worst case scenario for how much longer I have to work at this godforsaken place. It's a real cluster. They're playing musical chairs with our positions, firing competent people, rehiring incompetent people. No one can make up their minds about anything. I'm very depressed about the whole matter.

I got notification of one scholarship for $5000/year!! That's a start.

5 months. 2 weeks. I can grit my teeth that long, no?

How many movie references can you fit into a paragraph?

2005-02-22T06:21:00.000-08:00

So the boy came home from spending the weekend with his dad talking about his dad's girlfriend and her son. And I didn't even flinch. And that, kind sirs and ladies, is what you call progress.

Part of the reason for my new attitude is that my Joel and I had the DTR yesterday. We've decided to enter into exclusive doomed couplehood. It's kind of Wuthering Heights. I'm leaving in August so the expectation is that it will be a spring/summer thing with a sort of tragic but highly romantic edge to it. We'll then end it with an ellipsis not a period. But after missing me for a while he'll realize that whole ellipsis thing is dumb because he'll imagine me with a million suitors around me like Scarlett O'Hara at Tara before the war broke out. Which of course will ultimately lead to him driving many miles to stand outside my window holding a boom box over his head playing Peter Gabriel's In Your Eyes...

I've been watching a lot of movies lately.

You know what's sad to me?

2005-02-21T07:31:00.000-08:00

People who don't think they (and by they I mean themselves) rock. If you don't think you're the greatest thing ever, who else will?
I mean, really.

Apologies to all Duluthians. It's not personal.

2005-02-19T14:49:00.000-08:00

So I have a crush. Let's call him Joel - like Jim Carrey's character in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. But we're at the what's-going-on stage of the relationship and I refuse to be the one who calls for the dtr (define the relationship). I'd go on and on about him and why he's the greatest and why I'm not sure about what's happening between us but I just wouldn't be able to respect myself if I did that. So there. I've introduced him as a player in the story and I'll let you know what ultimately comes of the whole thing.

I got into my top choice school by the way! So Step 1 of Mamalissa's Conquer the World Plan has been taken care of. This brings me to my next topic.

I really would like a stay at home husband. Ok, he doesn't have to literally stay at home but him being less employed than me would be a really good thing. Why? Traditionally it's been the wife who either stayed home with the kids or would uproot her life for her husband if in his pursuit of world conquest he needed to move to Duluth or something. But see the problem with me is I have too much I want to do to ever go for that kind of situation. I've got gardens to plant and farms to start and legislation to lobby for. And I can't just have someone who will come home one day and say we're moving to Duluth. We're doing what?! Maybe you're moving to Duluth but I'm staying right here, buddy. However, if my husband just works some old job that doesn't really matter to him and then comes home to some hobbies that are portable- well now we're talking. So then I come home and say Honey, how about we move to India to feed the poor for a year? He says, sure why not? And away we go.

But are we humans really ready for such a huge shift in gender roles? Can I really find someone who's alright with me being the one out in the world fighting the good fight? Are there guys out there who would be alright with it being my show not theirs? As a heterosexual female this is a conundrum for me. I feel like I'm not what I'm expected to be. I want to be cherished and listened to and most of the other things girls want. But in some ways I feel like I'm an aberration. Too aggressive. Too ambitious. Too intimidating. Not to my own eyes. I think I'm fucking awesome. But in the eyes of others, particularly males, I don't think I fit the expectation. And I wonder what that means for my prospects of finding a mate?

But then sometimes I even wonder if I even really need a mate.

I don't know. Just some things I'm thinking about.

I got in

2005-02-17T06:14:00.000-08:00

Not to my top choice school yet. But to my close 2nd. Woo hoo!

Ever have one of those days...

2005-02-16T12:50:00.000-08:00

Ever have one of those days that kick ass! I found out about an internship at an organic farm today. I emailed the contact about it. Then talked to him on the phone. I'm going to visit it this weekend. Free place to live. Free homegrown organic food. Chance to learn everything you need to know about running an organic farm. OH MY GOD!!!!!! And the best part, you ask?

Drum roll please.

The work they'd want me to do would take so little time that I could still work a full-time job. So all my anxious apprehensions about taking my baby off to the farm, defaulting on my student loans and ending up in financial ruin were groundless.

So all I'd have to do is find a job nearby until I get into law school.

Let me say it again. A free place to stay and FREE ORGANIC FOOD!!!

And this happened less than 24 hours after my crush telling me he's sweet on me and smooching me.

Coworker: Mamalissa, blah blah blah, something about work, can you help me please?

Mamalissa: I'm sorry, what? (as she breaks into a tap dance routine.)

Email I sent to a stupid guy...more on that later

2005-02-15T09:34:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking and this is what I've come up with. So don't you think that once you get to a certain age, you realize that friendships between heterosexual males and females are either

1) okay because there's a shared understanding that neither party finds the other attractive but that's still kind of a bummer because your friend becomes sort of a reminder that there are people out there who don't find you attractive (I know, hard to believe, but true none the less)
2) beneficial because they provide you with male/female perspective and perhaps an avenue into meeting their friends. a little userish though.
2) sad because there's not a shared understanding that one party doesn't find the other attractive. there's the happens way too often one-sided crush that develops and then you have that whole imagining making out with her while she cries on your shoulder thing which is sort of sleasy. or the maybe he'll dump her if i point out the fact that one of her boobs is smaller than the other one which is just sort of pathetic.
3) or disingenuous in that break-in-case-of-an-emergency sort of way.

I'm just saying is all.

My little boogie boo

2005-02-07T10:18:00.000-08:00

So I've enrolled the boy in daycare. Sidenote- You know what's a term we don't use anymore but should? Nursery school. We have this book with a character named Alfie in it and it looks like it's from the 70's. It's the coolest kids book I've ever seen and in it they talk about his nursery school. I love the 70's. I should have been born thirty years earlier.

So back to my original topic. I've enrolled the boy in nursery school. They have a whole little curriculum which includes Spanish classes and computer time. I saw all of his future classmates line up together like big boys and girls before going off to eat lunch. He's going to be the new kid. All the girls will want him to be their boyfriend. He'll have to prove himself to all the boys which he'll do easily, being the dominant sort. Oh I'm so excited! (Mamalissa claps her hands with giddy fervor.) And my feeling that he is far superior to all other children his age in every aspect (except physical size- he's a little skinny but somehow I'm sure that's a sign of massive intellect as well) will be handily confirmed when he begins to do afternoon community service tutoring the other children.

He'll be a shoe in for Yale. Stanford would be acceptable as well. But I think I'd quite like to see my little boogie at Yale. Maybe he could even study theater and be the next Paul Giamatti- but more handsome of course.

I saw Sideways this weekend and Paul Giamatti is my new crush. He hooked me with American Splendor but reeled me in with Sideways. I need my own Paul Giamatti. To read the paper and do crossword puzzles with. Someone who'll impress me by how much smarter he is than 99% of humanity.

So tell me again...

2005-01-25T13:04:00.000-08:00

how long it's going to be before I stop interrogating the two year old when he gets back from spending time with his daddy, asking him if that heiffer and her son were with them when they went to the Mavs game on Sunday? Maybe until he's not a two year old, say three? Or 18? (My God, Mom, get over it already.) Indeed, B, I need to get over it already. Since R isn't ever going to just poof out of existence the way all men who dump you should (even though TECHNICALLY I dumped him after getting tired of him acting like he'd already dumped me. I have to save some face.) I have to figure out a way to get over it while being faced with the fact that I have to share space on the earth with him. And have to share a son with him. And for four weeks and two weekends out of a month I am seemingly over it. Well make that three weeks and two weekends when you take out the half a week after each visitation when I find myself thinking about him. And that horse faced dog woman he associates with. And her legitimately precious son who B always comes back talking about. That's progress. Right?

Good Lord I hate being pathetic.

In other news I'm completely worthless at work lately. Now that all my law school applications are in I'm suffering from Short Timers Syndrome. This is especially bad since I have a good eight months left.

Please pray for this family.

2005-01-24T06:12:00.001-08:00

I went to high school with Oscar Sanchez. I can't say that we were close friends but I knew him and his wife and he always struck me as exceptionally kind, someone who is genuinely good. My heart goes out to his mother, his wife, his baby girl and all the rest of his family and friends who are hurting right now. Please pray for them.

Kidnap search moves to Trinity River
10:32 AM CST on Tuesday, January 25, 2005
By ERNESTO LONDOÑO / Al Día and JASON TRAHAN and MICHAEL GRABELL / The Dallas Morning News
The search for an abducted restaurant owner moved Tuesday to a slice of the Trinity River, where bloodstained clothes found a day earlier offered further clues about where to look.
Dallas Fire-Rescue has deployed at least two aluminum boats to begin dragging the river near Dowdy Ferry Road for the body of Oscar J. Sanchez, who was kidnapped last week, Lt. Joel Lavender said.
Police now believe the 30-year-old is dead after interviewing suspect Jose Alberto Felix, a Dallas teacher who was arrested Sunday at Chicago's Midway International Airport before a flight to Guadalajara, Mexico. His statements led police to focus on a wooded area in southeast Dallas County, where the search wrapped up Monday with several items taken into evidence.

TOM FOX / DMN Sr. Cpl. Michael Epple (facing) of the Dallas police helps wrap a plastic chair mat found in the woods of southeast Dallas near Dowdy Ferry Road.
"There is evidence that we're in the right area," Dallas police Lt. Easterling said Monday. "We need to analyze the evidence further."
Meanwhile, Dallas detectives were expected to return with Mr. Felix, 28, after he declined to fight extradition Monday before a Cook County circuit judge.
A second suspect, 24-year-old Edgar Acevedo, a former El Ranchito waiter, is thought to have fled to Guadalajara on Saturday night.
Dallas police and the FBI, which has assisted the department since Mr. Sanchez's abduction a week ago, are expected to formally request that Mexican authorities help find Mr. Acevedo, who is a Mexican citizen.
As of Monday, a representative of the attorney general's office in Mexico City said American authorities had made no such request, which are typically funneled through the U.S. Embassy there.
Police have yet to say why the two men may have kidnapped Mr. Sanchez, whose family owns La Calle Doce and El Ranchito restaurants.
Also Online
Abduction a daily routine in Mexico
Suspect's ex-school stunned
Video: Rebecca Lopez and Gary Reaves report
En español: No encuentran cuerpo
The days in Chicago
Mr. Acevedo and Mr. Felix arrived in Chicago unannounced about midnight Thursday, hours before the city was buried in about a foot of snow.
Gabriela Acevedo, Edgar's sister, said in an interview that she got up from bed, let them into her apartment and apologized for not having clean sheets for the queen-size bed the men shared during two nights.
But nothing they said or did seemed suspect, said Ms. Acevedo, 29.
"It wasn't a surprise," she said of their visit. "It was the third time they came to see me, but it was the first time they stayed at my house."
The men spent most of their time indoors, watching snow fall outside the window of Ms. Acevedo's apartment, the second story of a duplex in an old red brick house in Cicero, about six miles from downtown Chicago.

Jose Felix
In retrospect, she said, some aspects of their visit were odd.
They came unprepared for Chicago's harsh weather and had to borrow heavy jackets and gloves from Ms. Acevedo's husband.
The men also lacked toothbrushes, socks and underwear, so they made a quick run to a nearby store Friday to stock up.
Unlike his last two visits – the last one was Thanksgiving – Mr. Acevedo didn't bring his cellphone with him and frequently borrowed his sister's phone to make calls.
They drove a white Chevrolet Silverado pickup, which remained parked outside on the street for two days. In the past, they had driven rental cars.

Edgar Acevedo
Investigators released license plate numbers for such a truck late last week after finding it registered to Mr. Felix and missing from his Duncanville home.
On Saturday morning, Mr. Acevedo began acting restless, his sister said.
The two men hurriedly flipped through her dog-eared Hispanic yellow pages, looking for the nearest travel agency. They placed a few calls to toll-free numbers and left the house.
Mr. Acevedo asked his sister's neighbor whether he could borrow her car to run a few errands.
They had sold the pickup hours before.
Dallas police later impounded the truck after finding it at a used-car dealership in the western suburb of Hillside. It had been sold for nearly $8,000, said Dallas police Sgt. Joe DeCorte, who is supervising the investigation.
Mr. Acevedo, his sister and Mr. Felix drove to Pulaski Avenue and 26th Street, a bustling commercial district similar to Jefferson Boulevard in Oak Cliff.
Mr. Acevedo jumped out of the car and entered one of the many small travel agencies on the street while his sister and Mr. Felix waited.
Minutes later, he returned with a ticket to Guadalajara.
"Guadalajara?" his sister asked. He had no relatives there and no reason to visit, she pointed out.
"I think it was the first flight he found," she said Monday. "I didn't think much of it."

TOM FOX / DMN Police used a dog to comb the woods after finding a box of bloodstained clothes, but it discovered nothing, and eventually the search was called off for the day.
Mr. Acevedo ordered Mr. Felix to drive to O'Hare International Airport. He said he was in a hurry, worried that the traffic would make him miss his flight.
Their goodbye was rushed. The car drove up to the drop-off lane, and neither his sister nor Mr. Felix got out of the car
It was unclear which flight he took, but he was in Mexico in time to call his sister that night.
Ms. Acevedo said Mr. Felix told her he intended to join her brother in Guadalajara the next day but decided to stay in Chicago another day because of a problem with the sale of the pickup.
Before dawn Sunday, Mr. Felix, whom Ms. Acevedo only knew as "Bebo," whispered a few words of thanks into her bedroom and walked down the narrow set of stairs that led to the street, where a cab was waiting.
He left behind an unmade bed in a small unadorned room without a doorknob and a plastic bag with dirty socks and underwear.
Mr. Felix never made it out of the country.
Using information from Dallas police, Chicago detectives tracked the suspects through a travel agency, Sgt. DeCorte of Dallas police said.
Chicago officers arrested him about an hour before ATA Flight 89 pulled out of Gate A9.
Apartment searched
About noon, Chicago police pounded on the door of Ms. Acevedo's downstairs neighbor. They flashed a picture of Mr. Acevedo to the girl who opened the door. Then they searched every room. The officers spoke little Spanish, and the residents had trouble understanding, Ms. Acevedo said.
But someone recognized Mr. Acevedo's photograph and pointed upward.
The officers ran to Ms. Acevedo's apartment. He was nowhere to be found.
Ms. Acevedo said they questioned her for several hours at Chicago police headquarters. Then her phone rang. It was her brother.
The officers asked her to ask him where he was.
"I'm in Guadalajara, traveling," was his only response, she said. The call was short.
The police dropped Ms. Acevedo home late Sunday. She said they never told her police wanted her brother in connection with a high-profile kidnapping and possible homicide.
Ms. Acevedo struggled to answer whether her brother was capable of committing such a crime.
"If he's guilty, he ought to pay," she said.
Back in Dallas, dozens of police officers searched by foot, on horseback and in the air. They tromped their way through a mile-wide swath between Interstate 45 and C.F. Hawn Freeway.
By midmorning, a police helicopter spotted a cardboard box amid a maze of bogs and brambles, where a dirt road meets Dowdy Ferry Road, just north of the Hutchins city limits.
Crime scene technicians carefully bagged and wrapped several pieces of evidence that appeared to include a blanket and a hard plastic chair mat in addition to clothing and a mop.
Police did not say whether the items belonged to Mr. Sanchez or Mr. Felix, whose Duncanville house was searched last week shortly after the kidnapping.
But after the box was discovered, a police dog spent about an hour searching the area, which consisted of a patch of private property dotted with storage sheds and heavy machinery.
A Sanchez family spokesman said the relatives were devastated by news that he might be dead.
"The family continues to hope and pray for Oscar's safe return and does not feel that further comment will be appropriate until such time as the police are in a position to confirm the suspect's statements," their spokesman, attorney Mike McKinley, said in a written statement.

Why Mommy?

2005-01-17T05:52:00.000-08:00

So a lot of our conversations go like this lately:

BB: Watch Tetch (Shrek) mommy?
Me: No, baby. Not now.
BB: (raises both hands in front of him and cocks his head to the side) Why?
Me: Because you've already watched it twice today.
BB: (Again with the hands) But why?

Then later:

BB: Tay bah, Mommy? (Can I take a bath Mommy?)
Me: No, sugar, you just took a bath about an hour ago.
BB: But why?
Me: Because you took a bath about an hour ago.
BB: No bah.
Me: No
BB: But why?

He's so serious about his whys. His little forehead furrows up and he looks at me with deep concentration. He really wants to know why. And he's clearly not convinced when I tell him.

In other BB news he is a genius. He has a puzzle where the pieces are trains and airplanes and cars. Sunday Mama really wanted to read her book (Ree Mommys books? Yes, baby. I'm reading Mommy's book) and BB obliged me by pulling out his box of puzzles and working on this one. When he was done putting the puzzle together ALL BY HIS LITTLE SELF he brought it over to me and said Ta da!

A genius I tell you.

The check's in the mail...

2005-01-03T14:55:00.000-08:00

I did it. I did it. I did it! The application is in the mail- the one to the school I want to go to the mostest. It's done. It's out there. Now all they have to do is accept me.

Also. Went to Austin this weekend. I'm like a new woman today. I don't care what anybody says about every place really being the same. That's a bunch of crap. Austin legitimately kicks more ass than any other place anywhere. And that's that.

The Blahs

2004-12-27T09:38:00.000-08:00

Ok. So I've been moving for the past two weeks. Slowly. Slowly. It was the move that would not end but now it has ended and I am thankful. Christmas is over. What an hateful little holiday it is. I'm glad it's gone. I've written first drafts of essays for law school. I think they're good but I'm terrified to go back and reread them in case they're not. Enough of this law school application business already. I have fun New Year's Eve plans. I know. I'm as shocked as you are. I had to import friends for it to happen though.

That brings me to my next subject. The subject which is the 99 bottles of beer on the wall of my life. I'm living in the wrong pond. (Take one down, pass it around..) What the hell am I doing in the DFW Metroplex? (98 bottles of beer on the wall...) Now I've decided to stick it out until next fall and I even have proactive plans to make it more palatable ("It" being my stay here on this evil planet) but I'm feeling like a sad little alien and I think that means I can have a pity party today.

I also keep remembering various men who were interested in me at one time or another who I passed over. They were a dime a dozen back in the old pond. But now they're nowhere to be found. One of them was a real cutie who's now working on an organic dairy farm in California. One of them is an attorney in Chicago now. Then there were all your run of the mill dj's, musicians, break dancers, artists, poets and hippies. I was a pretty hot mama before I was mamalissa. Had I known there would be a day when all I could see for miles and miles are men who dip, thugs and pretty boys, I would have probably behaved differently. Okay, probably not actually. I'm a picky heiffer. But I would have appreciated them more. Especially the one on the dairy farm now. He was my buddy.

So here's to you my organic farmer. It was my loss after all.

Sigh.

All I want for Christmas

2004-12-23T07:23:00.000-08:00

There's one law school I want to get into in particular. If I don't get in I will cry and cry and cry. I got my LSAT scores today and while it is a respectable score I don't know if it will get me into this school, particularly when coupled with my GPA which would have been stellar had I not gone back to music school and wrecked it. Well, that and that last extra year in college where I was more concerned with being a dirty hippie than making A's which didn't help things either. But that's neither here nor there. There's a point to this story and I'm getting to it. All I want for Christmas is for everyone everywhere who can and will to think good thoughts about me getting into my school. Please please please please. If I don't get in I will cry and cry and cry.

So now the essay is more important than ever. But I am a clutch performer. I'll pull it off. I have to. Absolutely. No worry here. I'll be fine.

Right?

If I don't get in I will cry and cry and cry.

Personal Statement

2004-12-22T07:12:00.000-08:00

So I wrote my law school essays last night. Okay I didn't actually write them. But I did figure out what I'm going to write. Okay I didn't actually figure out what I'm going to write. But I did make peace with the fact that I have to write them. Okay so I didn't make peace with it at all. If you must know, I'm not one bit closer to being finished with my law school applications. Okay?

So get off my back already.

So I'm at Barnes and Noble...

2004-12-21T07:09:00.000-08:00

and I decide to read this book everyone's talking about. The He's Just Not That Into You one. Ok. So not to be cheesy or anything but it absolutely changed my life. If you haven't read it and you're guilty of pathetic dating behavior (Well maybe he really is too busy taking care of his grandmother to call me.) like I have been, you need to read it. Sit down, read the book and accept the fact that the reason you're reading the book is because of a guy who's just not that into you. Then know that accepting that he's just not that into you it is way better than dragging it out for two years believing his nonsense excuses. And be thankful for the son that you have as a result of your pathetic dating behavior but vow to never be guilty of it again. Oh wait, that was me who had the baby with him, not you but you know what I mean. Just read the book. Now.

Ok. That's all I have for now.

Straw Bale Houses And Mamalissa's new crush

2004-12-13T21:15:00.000-08:00

So I've been awol for a while. Busy busy. Work is crazy. BB just turned two. (Yay BB!) I took the LSAT. And now I'm in the final heat- application time. Ick. Okay it's really not so bad. Especially when I start digging around course schedules and getting all giddy over class titles like "Food Safety Law" and "Topics in Sustainable Development" and "Perspectives on Public Policy." Then I go digging further and find out about symposia being held on campus where straw bale house people talk and it's just over. No sleep for me. I run to the bathroom and look at myself, bags under my eyes, hair a mess, in my hooded sweatshirt and I say 'yes, I think I do look like a law student, particularly one with an interest in sustainable development policy.' And the best part of it all is that I start remembering that this is me. I'm that girl who gets excited when the new course schedule comes out. I'm the girl who breathes in deeply at the bookstore like it's a bakery and claps her hands when she cracks a brand new textbook open the first time. Some girls get excited about lip gloss and nail polish. I get excited reading about new developments in housing policy in Latin America and fairly traded coffee. And about the prospect of doing pro-bono work for single mothers trying not to get evicted. And bringing recycling programs and community gardens to low income areas. And maybe persuading at least one person to stop driving those big behemoths we call SUV's. And talking to people who think going off to volunteer on an organic dairy farm in New Zealand sounds like a cool idea.

By the way I have a crush right now on a guy who thinks that going off to volunteer on an organic dairy farm in New Zealand sounds like a cool idea. We spent part of last Saturday together going to the Anthropologie store in Plano and eating at PF Chang's. We talked about the Pacific Crest Trail and the Apallachian whatever trail and how we have both dreamed of taking six months off and hiking one or the other. We work together so that creates some hesitation for me. And I'm a firm believer in that whole Greg Behrendt "He's just not that into you" way of looking at the world right now. He did set up our Saturday thing the previous Monday. And he did confirm it on Wednesday. And he did get nervous when he came over to my desk to ask for my phone number on Friday. And he did call me tonight to say something funny about work then "that's all I've got." But our date type thing was a Saturday afternoon not night thing. And he didn't ask me out today. And.. okay, you know what I'm not even going to do this whole analytical thing over it right now. The whole point is that I have a crush and that's nice and even if it turns out this guy isn't really that into me, it's okay. It's nice to be reminded that guys like him still exist. It's easy to forget that here when you're living your own little Lost episode I call Arlington, Texas.

How we can do it...

2004-11-04T06:31:00.000-08:00

This is what I'm talking about.

Election Day... Sigh...

2004-11-03T07:20:00.000-08:00

I'm so disappointed. That's all I can say at this point.

No. Wait. There's more.

Oh. nevermind. Sigh.

By the way I'm a big dork

2004-10-26T14:46:00.000-07:00

I was writing my last post while also working and I got George mixed up with Bill and I knew when I was doing it that I was doing it and even thought it was funny that I had mixed it up but then didn't change it so for most of the day my damn blog has been saying I love George Clinton and now my face is all red. How embarrassing. Anyway I love George Clinton too but for different reasons.

Yeah.

I Heart Bill Clinton

2004-10-26T07:55:00.000-07:00

I saw a few clips of a mostly recovered Clinton yesterday on tv. And seeing him made me remember why I loved him. He seems like the father we all should have had. I can imagine him saying "Yes, Chelsea, you might want to go up to that bully who's picking on you and punch him right in the eye. I can understand that. But let's think about this. Will that really solve the problem?" And next thing you know Chelsea would be feeling sorry for the bully because it's all of sudden clear he comes from a troubled home and she'd bake him a cake or something and the bully would be overwhelmed by the love and mend his errant ways... Anyway, you get the picture.

Now what would W do? You know, I'm going to let you fill in the blanks on that one.

It makes me wonder how things would be different if Clinton had been in office when 9/11 happened. I won't lie. When it happened I wanted someone to get bombed. I was angry and confused and sad and sickened and more than anything I was surprised by this almost suffocating desire for revenge. Was revenge what we needed though? I'm not saying we should go bake cakes for terrrorists and skip off into la la land. But I am saying wouldn't it have been better to have a thoughtful, dispassionate and tempered reaction to the tragedy?

Did "Let's Roll" really pan out for us?

Yes, Clinton is a flawed man. But I'd rather have him lead me any day. W's charm with most is that he's one of the people, with his barely literate way of speaking and bull-headed cowboy liberator thing. But Clinton didn't seem like one of us to me. He seemed just a little bit better. And that's what I want in a President.

People who care and...

2004-10-23T20:41:00.000-07:00

I would very much like to reduce everything to one sentence. I have this intense desire take the world, boil it down, then strain it through my mental sieve until just a few words are left. I then take those few words and walk around for a few days seeing if they stand up as true or not.

Anyway I've been thinking and this is my new sentence:

There are people who care and people who don't.

There are people who care about the misery of the poor and people who don't. There are people who want to cure the sick and people who don't. There are people who truly believe in freedom and human rights and people who don't. There are people who try to BE like Jesus by loving their neighbors, refraining from judgment, turning the other cheek, feeding the hungry, and loving the little children (all the children of the world); and there are people who don't. There are people who care about global warming and people living in boxes and babies who die from malnourishment on sugar plantations in Brazil and people who don't.

And it seems to me it's really just as simple as that. I used to think that if everyone knew- if they just knew!- they'd care and be forced to do something. There'd be a mass shudder that would shake off the massive political and economic structures in existence that only create misery, exploitation and corruption. And it wouldn't have to be a violent thing. Just a shudder like when you wake up from a bad dream relieved that it wasn't real. Then everyone could start their little gardens and raise their children in peace and everyone could just get along. No more wars, crime, nothing. Just simple easy nice. If only they knew.

I don't think that anymore. Now I think,

There are people who care and people who don't.

It also seems to me that there are way more of the people who don't care than of the people who do care. And it also seems to me that if you do care you should do something, anything, and as much of it as you possibly can. Right away. Because the people who don't care are already outdoing you. All the way down the highway in their SUV's with their Starbucks and fake little bodies throwing things out the window as they go, on the way to their big air-conditioned houses, they're going faster and using more than it's even possible to count. Spreading like locusts into China, India, Latin America, the Middle East. Onward onward Christian soldiers. Onward onward Kentucky Fried Chicken and Coca Cola. Onward onward. Living the dream, right?

There are people who care and people who don't.

Which one are you?

Little Interstate Traveller

2004-10-18T14:54:00.000-07:00

BB is in Los Angeles right now. There's a funeral on his dad's side of the family and they wanted to take him. So there he is. He'll be back Wednesday night.

Why did it take me seventeen years to even get out of Dallas but my son's been to both coasts before he's even two? I'm telling yall he's a special little man.

Mamalissa Melt

2004-10-15T08:27:00.000-07:00

I had a melt down last night. Let me just give a little background.

Exhibit A- My neighbors just had a baby. The daddy looks a little like R and the mommy looks a little like me. Well, really in only the most superficial of ways but superficial is enough to contribute to a breakdown. Anyway I visited with them and their week old baby girl for a few minutes yesterday.

Exhibit B- A friend from work just moved into my apartment complex. She had invited me and the boy over to hang out and I, being the unintentional and unwilling social recluse I am, was very excited about this. Then she calls to say she doesn't want to go to her boyfriend's mother's house but he wants her to go. Then she says she'll call back when she makes a definite decision about what they're doing. Then she never calls back.

Exhibit C- I reached a point last night where I just had to get out of the house. BB and I had done enough staring at each other so we got in the car and took some dvd's back to Blockbuster. On the way I noticed there's a library near us so we stopped in. BB proceeds to act a damn fool in the library. The whole episode was capped off with him screaming at the top of his lungs while I tried to check out our books. I snapped. I apologized and said never mind about the books. Then I took him to the car and gave him a spanking on his little behind the likes of which he has never known. It was apparently enough to make him take me seriously because as we were driving home I told him to quit crying or I'd spank him again. And he was quiet.

A + B + C= Mamalissa cried the rest of the way home. I put BB to bed and cried some more. Then I called R and cried some more. I just don't understand how my life ended up this way. What is so wrong with me that my baby's father doesn't love me, I have no friends, I hate my job and I can't take my son in public? R said I was mean and spiteful and that was why he didn't try to make it work with me. Maybe I am mean and spiteful. Maybe that is why I'm so alone.

I'm sitting here at work trying not to cry. But the meltdown is not over. That's for sure.

I Did it!

2004-10-13T08:50:00.000-07:00

I put my resume on Monster.Com. I called a friend who works for a competing builder. I applied for a job at another builder's website.

When I left for lunch yesterday my last words were fuck this, fuck yall i'm not coming back. Luckily no one heard me because I didn't mean right away. But I did mean it. I'm tired of it. Tired Tired Tired.

And that's that.

I love my BB

2004-10-11T13:37:00.000-07:00

It goes without saying that I love my son being that he is my son and I'm the type of mother that loves him a whole lot because he is my son. Whatever that meant. Anyway lately I've been kind of surprised by this surge of love for him that's new. He's almost two and on the one hand he's becoming quite difficult. I have to grab him by both of his shoulders sometimes and tell him to get a hold of himself because he seems to get overwhelmed by his ability to say no. But in the times when we're not upset with each other he is just absolutely the most charming creature I've ever met. When he's all dressed he throws his hands up in the air and says "ta da!" He giggles when his favorite songs come on the radio and waves his arms around over his head. But he only does the waving thing when he knows I'm not watching him. He lays on his belly with his hand under his chin while he watches Sponge Bob and swings his feet in the air behind him. He says please (peas) and thank you (ten tu) and bless you (desh) when you sneeze and are you okay (atay?) when you cough. When we sit down to eat he clasps his hands together to remind someone -by that I mean me- to say the blessing then he does his version of the sign of the cross which is tapping his shoulder and kissing his hand. If he burps he says excuse me ( me) and if you burp he says (me) to remind you to say (me). He picked out his own Halloween costume yesterday- Bob the Builder- then got upset when I wouldn't let him wear it out of the store. And in the morning the first thing he does is come over and give his Mama a big kiss. He's my buddy. My bestest little buddy.

Why can't we all just get along?

2004-10-04T09:25:00.000-07:00

BB went with his dad to do daddy time stuff. His daddy showed up early Saturday. I put on BB's jacket. He grabbed his rolly suitcase, walked to the car and said "Bye Mommy." And that was that. My little boy's all grown up. He came back with a new haircut. He got his first edge up and he thinks he is cute.

So Creepy Stalker Ex has been leaving me alone for the most part. But last night at 1:15 in the morning I bolted out of bed because someone banged on the door. The dog was freaking out barking and jumping up and down so this confirmed that I had actually heard someone bang on my damn door at 1:00 in the morning. So I call the police. They look around for him but I guess didn't find him because they never came back to the apartment to tell me what they found. And I had almost decided to just stay in this apartment until I go off to law school.

Ok, so why did the coaches at the Prairie View/Grambling game get in a fight? That is some mess.

kinda weird

2004-09-28T11:56:00.000-07:00

Two things then I have to run because work is crazy.

Creepy Stalker Ex requested a continuance to get a lawyer. Except he says he has a lawyer but that lawyer just couldn't be there today. Stinky like poop the whole thing was but whatever. He got the continuance. So I have to go back in a week.

Talked to BB's dad last night. Turns out he's applying to law school too. He already has a Masters in Public Administration and I'm thinking about doing the Dual Degree program to get that as well. So when it's all said and done we're going to have identical letters behind our names. And that is just the most bizarre turn of events I can imagine. Especially when you combine that with him doing the whole spoken word/MC thing now. When I met him I was a little singer/songwriter/jazz piano player who would have laughed at you if you said I'd go to law school one day. And he was working for a Senator but not doing any kind of music stuff. Anyway it's sort of weird.

More later.

Perfect Little Place

2004-09-26T08:31:00.000-07:00

Seattle is just a perfect little place. Take the best parts of Austin and New York, put it in between some mountains and the sea, and populate it with a mess of liberal gardeners and you have Seattle. It has parks and public transporation, walkable neighborhoods, people with dogs, a huge REI, a million restaurants (and the good kind too: vegetarian, vietnamese, thai, indian..), and plants, plants, plants everywhere. I'm not kidding. And not just rinky dink anything plants either. I'm talking dahlias and rhododendrums and bonzai trees and japanese maples right off the sidewalk. I just walked through the alley behind Jess's place and there was this massive container garden full of plants that would be majorly expensive in Texas but here it was just kicking it in somebody's alley. It's not hot here. The air makes your hair curl up but not frizz. The playgrounds are amazing. There is the largest conglomeration of well-dressed but still casual people I've ever seen in my life here. There's a university. There's a port and a major airport. People here let you in when you're trying to switch lanes on the highway- Jess calls it the orb. "As soon as you turn your blinker on...It's almost creepy." Recycle bins are bigger than trash cans and soon it's going to become illegal for you to throw away anthing that could be recycled.

Being from Texas it's hard for me to imagine that this place could happen. Try and impose fines on anyone in Texas for throwing away their recyclables. You don't want to piss of that many people with big trucks and big guns. Try and suggest that maybe we should make our streets a little smaller and move our houses a little closer together to conserve some space. Or that we should make our public transportation system a little more comprehensive and - gasp- stop driving everywhere. Or that we should put a grocery store some place you could walk to. Try it I dare you. But that's just what I want to do.

I don't know. Sometimes I think that's the reason I should stay in Texas. Like Texas needs me and people like me to keep it from going up in flames, or to keep a few people from starving. Other times I think it's the reason I should leave. Maybe we should just let the people with the big trucks have the damn place.

This is what dorks do...

2004-09-25T10:32:00.000-07:00

So I got into Seattle last night and I'm in heaven. Jess picked me up and immediately wisked me away to the Metropolitan Market where I got this organic wheat pasta thing to snack on that was only $1.50, some jalapeno chips and a bottle of wine. She got a bottle of wine too, some chips and salsa and off we headed to a Scrabble Party. You heard me. A Scrabble party. It was at this apartment that was right on the beach of the Puget Sound. Ridiculously beautiful and all kinds of really smart people. After Scrabble we played a game called Dictionary. Here are the rules: one person picks a word from the dictionary that no one in the room knows. Then everyone makes up their own definition for that word with the goal of fooling everyone into thinking their definition is correct. The gamemaster then reads all the made up definitions along with the real definition and you get points for guessing the correct definition and if people pick your definition. Really dorky stuff, huh? I LOVE IT. And I almost won!! You maybe had to be there but it was really hillarious. Because as you're reading them you know people are just pulling this stuff out of their asses
Here's two I can remember:
Sacaton- a Native American term for an adolescent boy who has never hunted
Jerboa- an artistic device referring to excessive dispersion around a light source; also penumbra

Anyway it was fun. Just trust me on that one. And today I'm nursing a bit of a hangover.

Mamalissa's Capitalism Is Evil Manifesto

2004-09-23T11:03:00.000-07:00

Mamalissa is disturbed right now. I was just reading an article on MSN about Cleveland being the poorest big city in the country. In the words of the author "Crushed by the loss of steel and other manufacturing jobs..."

Stop right there. So the poverty problem in Cleveland is the result of outsourcing.

As you will recall I'm big on accountability. Here's where I have to reveal the nuances of my Pull Yourself Up By Your Bootstraps philosophy. From the individual's perspective I think the best- maybe the only- way to get ahead in life and prosper is through hard work, education and figuring out the rules of the game you're trying to play so you can play to win. You have to take on the weight of responsibility for your future.

HOWEVER, we are all members of communities so the choices our neighbors near and far make do affect us. Looking at someone who's unemployed and saying that it's his fault so you're not going to worry about it, just doesn't cut it. Why not? Well besides the fact that such an attitude is severely lacking in human decency, it won't serve you very well either. Unemployment leads to poverty which leads to crime which leads to incarceration which leads to children being raised without one or both parents which leads to child abuse which leads to delinquency which leads to unemployment which leads to... It's a cycle. And no, none of those things make it okay for individuals to commit crimes or abuse children or any of that but it happens and once it happens it affects all of us.

So my take on it is this: If you want to live in a safe world populated by well-adjusted sane people it's not enough to just put a gate around your community. You have to actually care about the problems that affect people outside those gates.

But our brand of capitalism seems to have resulted in a system where all of us are at the mercy of corporations- be they large or small -because they are the Job Providers. To eat you have to have a job and to have a job you have to be employed by a Job Provider. Now for those of us who are educated it seems like the situation is working. But what if you only have a high school diploma or less? One of your big options used to be working in a factory. But now all of those jobs are going overseas because labor is cheaper. So the people who would be working those jobs in this country have to look for other employment- hospitality, food service... I don't know what else honestly. But it seems to me there's not enough of these jobs to go around.

Now what makes me mad is that the CEO's of these corporations that are outsourcing are going to have their private jets no matter what. And if being able to have that jet means paying people $3/hour instead of $10, then that's just what's going to have to be done. And the only real government response to that I can think of is offering these corporations some sort of incentive. More money. So the only way to get these greedy bastards to employ people for a livable wage is to throw more money at them.

That's just evil.

How do you convince them- and by them I mean the CEO's and top executives who have the summer homes in Tahoe and the box seats to NBA games and the private jets- that they have a responsibility as JOB PROVIDERS not just to fatten up their own pockets but also to PROVIDE JOBS? I guess you have to figure out a way to make it in their self-interest because you certainly can't make people simply care about their fellow human beings.

The selfish bastards.

Up up and away

2004-09-23T07:57:00.001-07:00

I'm off to Seattle tomorrow. I'm going to see my bestest friend in the world and I'm very excited. Regretfully I will not be bringing the boy with me. BB will be spending the weekend with my parents. Okay actually I'm not regretful about it at all. I love him but Mamalissa needs a break. Notice that tomorrow is Friday, an all-hallowed work day. While ostensibly we are allowed "Vacation Time", the actual taking of a "Vacation Day" is a grave offense at my company and I'm sure there will be mighty penance expected when I get back, especially since I'm also taking a day off next week for the protective order proceeding. (Ooh, ooh, I can't wait- said total deadpan) But you know what I say? Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.

It's like that Frappuccino commercial:
"This is Mamalissa's time, Mama's time to clear her mind
So step back Jack expense reports can wait
Larry she's not interested in a second date
No No No No No
Leave her alone
This is Mama's ti-i-me."

Cracks me up.

I Did It!

2004-09-22T06:05:00.000-07:00

I spent the night at my house again for the first time in two weeks or so. No Creepy Stalker Ex sightings. No calls. No knocks on the door or window. All in all it was uneventful. I did make BB sleep with me and I did keep the phone, the keys, my purse and the bat all within reach in case we needed to make a dash out the door or I needed to beat CSE to death. Either or. So perhaps life has returned to normal. Perhaps. Either way I did it. and I'm a big kid now.

Anyway today is BB's Dad's birthday. We called him before work. I put BB on the phone and told him to say Happy Birthday Daddy (ha da). Say I love you (a du). Now say bye bye (ba ba). Too cute.

What else? I saw American Splendor last night and loved it. And part of some Woody Allen movie with the kid from American Pie in it. I just can't get into the Woody Allen thing. I know that's like liberal arts intellectual blasphemy but there's just too much wah factor for me. And I kept wondering through the movie what really made this one any different from any of his other movies.

Ok that's all I've got for now.

Accountability, Say it with me...

2004-09-21T07:12:00.000-07:00

Sticking with the theme of word of the day, I've chosen accountability as today's word.

Look, I'm not a Republican. I care about social issues. I'm all about the struggles of the people and trying to help everybody move up. But let me be clear. No matter who you are, what you look like, where you come from, whatever your history, any troubles that you have today are your own fault.

There I said it.

If you're broke, it's because you spend more than you make. If you don't have a good job or any job at all, it's because you haven't put in the work to get one. If you're in jail, it's because you did something to get you there. Whatever it is that you're crying about, find the way that it was in fact your fault. By admitting fault you gain power over the situation. And with that power you also have the power to correct the mistakes and move forward.

Everybody has obstacles to overcome. And whether they look as big as yours or not is no matter. Quit spending so much time thinking about what other people have been given. Quit expecting things to be given to you.

And for goodness sake stop saying, It's not my fault. I don't care what it is, it is your fault. Okay. IT IS YOUR FAULT. Just accept it and move on.

BE ACCOUNTABLE.

Ok, so here's the scoop

2004-09-20T08:11:00.000-07:00

1. The creepy stalker ex hasn't contacted me in about five days. This is very good but I'm still a big scaredy cat who doesn't want to sleep alone at my house. Hence me and the baby are still camping out at another undisclosed location.

2. Creepy stalker ex was put in jail Saturday night for two traffic tickets and the stalking charges I made against him. Yay, score one for the legal system and Mamalissa.

3. Two of Creepy stalker ex's friends called me on Sunday to try and make me feel bad about putting him in jail. It went like this:

You know he has two strikes against him already, right?

No, I didn't know that. (Ugh!!! This ommission on CSE's part is clearly in violation of my No Ex-Con's policy.)

So if you press charges he'll go to jail for ten years or something like that?

Hmm. That would be nice.

Well I just wanted you to know the situation and how it would ruin his life and all that.

Yeah, well he knew he had two strikes against him when he decided to follow me all around town acting like a goddamn nut, when he punched holes in my wall, when he called me like twenty times in a row at work to harrass me, when he tried to drive me off the road, when he jumped over my patio and climbed in the window and when he generally made the decision to become a Creepy Stalker Ex. And let me tell you something, if you ask me he has too many people like you making excuses for him and enabling his craziness. You'll probably be bailing him out then I assume.

No, no. None of us are going to bail him out.

4. Somebody bailed him out.

5. I've bought a bat that has Creepy Stalker Ex's name all over it. First you get the shins. Then the arms. Then you generally beat him about the body until one of you gets tired or yells mercy.

6. I'm going to take a self defense class so I can get all Buffy the Vampire Slayer on him if he comes around again.

7. The best part of all of this is that my WhatDoIWantToDoWithMyLife dilemna is over. As I was sitting in the Assistant DA's office applying for a protective order, seeing how much she clearly enjoys sticking it to Creepy Stalker types, and also how much she clearly enjoys shooting a gun as evidenced by the gun range silhouette she had hanging on her door, I all of a sudden realized I had a hero and my hero was she. So... (drum roll please)
... I'VE DECIDED TO GO TO LAW SCHOOL!!!! I'm going to specialize in family law, particularly domestic violence cases and be a bad ass litigating mama.

I'm going to start on my new gun toting ass kicking mean green prosecuting maching persona by first working up the nerve to sleep at my own house again. Wish me luck.